I Can’t Escape from the Feeling…

Normally, when I blog, I have a topic in mind and a point that I’m generally trying to make.  Tonight, I don’t.  I assume that a topic helps me focus and be a better writer.  Besides, I’m pretty sure that people come to read the blog not to read me rambling aimlessly about whatever but to check in on the Duran fan community and Duranland.  Today, I’m not feeling very focused.  Why is that?  On one hand, I could give a simple answer.  I’m exhausted.  I have worked 80 hours this week and have 12 hour days coming up this weekend.  I am surviving on coffee and not much else.  On the other hand, the answer isn’t that simple.  I think, though, that this lack of focus on a topic is a symptom of a larger problem. 

It is the end of October.  Two months ago, I was on tour.  Rhonda and I were driving around the southeast, rushing to get to our meetups before seeing some great shows!  Now, that feels like FOREVER ago.  Seriously.  It does.  Reality, or real life, or whatever you want to call it, has returned and returned in a big, fierce way.  This shouldn’t surprise me.  This has happened before after a tour but it hasn’t happened to this extent in a long time for me.  Yes, I’m working and campaigning full time.  This overload of activity does become hyper-intense in such a way that not much else gets through.  That said, I shouldn’t feel so far removed from Duranland.  I shouldn’t.  While there might not be shows coming up (that we know of), there is still activity.  This flurry of activity surrounds John Taylor, too.  I should be glued to social networking and re-reading his book for the 3rd or 4th time.  Instead, I feel like these events are passing me by quickly and that I’m only seeing bits and pieces out of the corner of my eye.  It feels so weird.  I don’t like it, but part of me doesn’t have a choice with my insane schedule.  The other part of me thinks that I should get it together to feel like a part of it.  I guess that is really the problem.  I feel like the release of JT’s book here in the States happened and that I’m not a part of it.  Of course, this gets even more illogical because I have decided to take a risk by going to the signing in Chicago.  I should feel a part of it.  I don’t. 

One of the reasons I decided to go to the signing was to try to get myself back into the Duran groove.  How did this happen?  How did I get so emotionally removed?  How???  It isn’t like I haven’t been doing the daily question and day in Duran history.  It isn’t like I haven’t been blogging.  It isn’t like I haven’t been talking about Duran at all.  Yet, I barely remember what I have talked about on the blog lately and why.  I see snippets of stories from fans who have been to signings but I haven’t been able to take the time to really take it all in and react to it.  I hate that.  I like feeling part of a fan community.  I like being happy for others.  I like hearing about what they experienced.  I like being excited about something.  I wish that I felt normal about Duran and Duranland.  I know this much.  It is nothing that the band did.  It isn’t even anything I did, intentionally.  I’m trying to fight this lack of energy for all things Duran.  I decided to go to the signing to fight.  I am trying to get a meetup planned for before the signing.  If you want to join, the link to the facebook event is here.  I’m hoping that this will really kick start my energy towards all things Duran.  Yet, other things are blocking this fight. 

Unfortunately, due to life, work, money and more, I have decided not to attend the convention in the UK.  While I have no doubt that being in Birmingham and being with a ton of Duranies would restart my fandom, I just couldn’t do it.  I can’t take off of work and really can’t afford the trip after touring this summer.  Besides, the next time I go to the UK, I want to be able to relax and enjoy it.  This would have been such a short trip that I couldn’t justify the cost (including not getting paid at work) and wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much.  I know that this is the right decision, logically, but I’m sad that I will be missing so many friends there and people I was looking forward to meeting.  I’m sure that this doesn’t help my current state.

For now, all I can do is push through this fog until I am back where I should be with my fandom.  Tomorrow, my plan with the blog is to try and catch up on some of the JT media that I have been missing all week.  Then, Sunday, I finish discussing the documentary.  On Monday, which I am excited about, our book club starts with JT’s book!  Please, be prepared to discuss Chapters 1-6.  Until then, I’m going to try and get some sleep.  If I’m lucky, good Duran dreams might get me back on track!

-A

4 thoughts on “I Can’t Escape from the Feeling…”

  1. Amanda (and Rhonda),
    I feel like there is something very cosmic about discovering you guys on Twitter and the Daily Duranie blog. Lately, every time you post something, I generally have similar, if not the same, thoughts. For me, the last 3 years have been consumed with my daughter's brain cancer and the devastation that it has caused me emotionally (and financially). During this process, I have tried to find things that would bring joy back into my life as a way of having an escape, if only for a little while. I took back up with my beaded jewelry, I've been writing our story and in August I had a wonderful renaissance of sorts with DD. All due to a high school friend's birthday and posting the New Moon on Monday video on his FB wall. I had let the part of me that loves DD so much gather dust in the corner of my soul and since that day I've cleared off all the dust and brought it back into my life. My family is sick of it, I'm sure (not my daughter, she loves it thankfully). But I don't care. One of the things the last 3 years has taught me, is that I don't have to apologize to anyone for loving something that brings me so much joy, especially DD's music. The problem now, I have a sense of let down. The tour is over (I'm SO grateful to have made it to the ATL show), I've cleaned up and properly archived all my long lost DD memorabilia, I finished JT's book, there's not going to be anything new coming from the band anytime soon, and most sadly I can't go to any of JT's signings/readings because they are too far for me to travel. So, for me, I keep my connection by staying plugged in to The Daily Duranie, the DD pages on Twitter & Facebook and others on there as well. My point? Just a big thank you to both of you for keeping us plugged in and connected to the thing that brings us all together, Duran Duran.
    Julianne

  2. Julianne-This is one of those comments that really gets to me. I cannot begin to tell you how much it touches me to know that people can relate to what we are thinking and/or feeling. Then, I feel like we are doing our “job” well when people seek us out to stay connected. That truly is our goal–to help build connections through the love of fandom. Thank YOU!

    -A

  3. I think I have just come to the conclusion that my fandom will always some in waves. Having a family, job, life does not always work well with me keeping up with the DD updates. AND THAT IS OKAY! Sometimes when I step away, I do get the guilt on re-entry that I was a 'bad fan' and need to quickly read it all. Really, really silly.. for me…

    I am also going to the Chicago signing and realize that will probably be the last “immersion” into the DD life I have for awhile. Kind of bums me out – but know that I can always connect with you guys here, and with a few of the local folks I have now met in NC due to the Durham show.

We (Amanda and Rhonda) appreciate discussion and differences of opinion. We respectfully ask that you fully read the blog before bitching us out. If you're only here to take us down a notch, note that we moderate replies (meaning we're not printing rude comments). Thanks a bunch!

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