I Don’t Really Know What I’m Doing Here

Sometimes I’m caught in a landslide

I think I’m beginning to realize that it’s over for now. Everyone has gone home, and we’re all coming out of the haze of exhaustion that surrounds us like a snuggly cloak when we’re in the thick of it. We don’t even notice how tired we really are on those mornings in between shows – at least not much beyond saying we need coffee, or that we’re SO TIRED – because we have another gig waiting. That energy tends to keep us fueled up, and ready to keep dancing.

Yeah, that was all fine and good until last night for me. I was tired when I got home on Sunday night, sure. I mean, I left the Vespar bar at Cosmo around 4am (what on earth was I thinking?!?) and only got a few hours of rest before my body decided it was wake-up time. Even so, it wasn’t that bad. Monday night, I’d say the same. I was tired from dealing with school – my youngest is really giving me a hard time at the moment – but I was fine.

Last night though? It was my body telling me that I was done. I had gone on a walk in the late afternoon, charging up the steep driveway from my house and out into the surrounding neighborhood. I just needed time to listen to my audiobook and not think. By the time I got back, I couldn’t wait to be done with dinner so I could go to bed!

My beat’s so in time

This morning I had to take the child to school and run to the store. On the way back I was thinking about the weekend. I had such a great time. That, in and of itself isn’t a surprise. I was in Vegas, my friends were with me, we ate, laughed, drank, danced and talked our way from Thursday straight to Sunday. It was everything I’d hoped for and more.

I think that for me it is knowing that it will be awhile until I see my friends again that makes me saddest. Amanda and I have been friends for fifteen years now – truthfully I think it was just about this time in 2004 when she first posted on our message board about going to the convention. Might have been a few months later, but not much. Our lives have changed a lot since then.

It is unreasonable to expect that nothing will change. I think even the way she and I look at shows or prepare for them is different now than it was in 2005 when we first went to that Chicago show. I didn’t know much of anything then, and the entire “process”, so to speak, felt new. In some small ways, I miss that “brand new” feeling.

I’m out of reach, I’ll talk if it feels right

Nowadays, Amanda and I don’t connect nearly as often. Every once in a while we do catch up – but right now, she’s far busier than I am, teaching at school and managing a local election campaign. I’m proud of her, and I am thrilled she’s going after her passion. Sometimes though, I worry that her joy in doing this – the blogging and the fan thing – has waned. Yet, I understand. Last year I had zero passion for anything, really. Packing boxes is what got me through. I wouldn’t think, I’d just pack. Fandom isn’t something that you can’t pick back up again, though. Sometimes you really do have to put it down for a while in order to fully appreciate it.

Getting together this weekend felt like a triumph, really. I found that I appreciated being there, seeing the lights, feeling the hugs, and seeing the joy in the faces of my fellow Duranies and other friends. It was truly beyond words. Coming home hasn’t really been a let-down, but it does make my heart hope for more to come.

I hope everyone has the opportunity to feel that way once in a while. Participating in fandom can be really fulfilling. I had told my friend Patty, and even Dom at one point that going to these weekend things where we have the chance to hang out together after a show, feels a lot like family reunion. We might be dysfunctional from time to time, but we’re still family.

-R

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