I’m (Probably) Not Going to Sleep Tonight

I don’t know how long we’ve been on lockdown now. My youngest came home from school on March 13th, and that was the day I found out she wasn’t going back on Monday. I think it was the following Thursday that Heather and her boyfriend came up here because her studio had been closed, and I believe that March 19. Our shelter-in-place order might’ve come out the following day. Regardless, I’ve been pretty much at home since the 13th. I have left the property a few times, all for essentials of course. You know, things like hard cider, wine, oh…and a birthday cake for the youngest. All three kids home, husband working here, four cats, two dogs, and now 24 chickens. It’s April 30th (I originally typed May 30th only to find it later and fix it). I’ve got to tell you, I’m not doing great.

Every day feels like a re-do of the day before. I’ve said that here already, so now it has become Groundhog Day on Daily Duranie too. Sorry. I try to find the good things to laugh about, and there are some. I also get mad, and I’m not going to lie about that. I am furious we’re going through this. I don’t let that thought consume me, but some days like today, it is just plain difficult to manage.

I’m not sleeping that great either. Oddly, I fall asleep fine, but about two hours later, I wake up. Most of the time, I’m in pain when I wake up. My neck has really been bothering me lately and I think I must be stiffening up when I sleep. So, I wake up and then toss and turn unless I get up and take Ibuprofen. This is an every single evening exercise for me, and I wish I could still go to my old chiropractor. Alas, the OC is five hours away and I’m just nervous enough about someone adjusting my neck that I haven’t found a new one. Yay.

Then there’s my weight. I am not equal to the number on the scale (truth be told I haven’t stepped on my scale in months – and that is 100% out of fear. I’d really rather not know.), but the mirror isn’t lying and the story it’s telling me is that I need to be social distancing myself from the fridge. Like – I should be living in a tent on the back half of my property – kind of social distancing. It’s not good, friends. The pandemic has not been kind in that department, no matter how much time I spend outside. Even the good old “weed abatement” isn’t helping this year. I would have thought I’d sweat it off by now, but no.

Yesterday was my youngest daughter’s birthday. I tried to make the day special for her, and she got plenty of presents with still more to come. I’d ordered her gifts on April 1st, and yet they’re still not due here until May 7th. Thankfully, she’s my easiest kid and doesn’t mind celebrating twice. I made her pancakes for breakfast, gourmet soft pretzels as a snack, and then potstickers for dinner (weird that the menu for the day began with the letter “P”, right? Coincidence!) I had ordered a pink champagne cake (again, “P”) that she’d requested from our famous Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo, and the highlight of my month was driving in my car to go get it. It was the first time I’d driven since March 13. That is crazy.

It was also Amanda’s birthday. I texted her, and I’m not going to lie – it took all the energy I had just to do that. I kept it short, wished her the best – because I really do – but I just couldn’t chat like I normally might. I’m through trying to make excuses for it. I’m struggling. It’s that simple. She asked me how it was here, and of course I said fine. What else am I going to say? I’m not under the impression I have it worse than anyone else. It would be crazy for me to explain my wild mood swings between “happy to have my kids here” and “completely pissed off at the entire world”.

Yes, I really do feel that way sometimes. At least I admit it. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and I have one hell of a temper sometimes. I’m trying my best to remain calm and reasonable. Sometimes, that feels like more of a challenge than it probably should.

It wasn’t long after that when my husband came out into the kitchen. he was fiddling with his phone, and the next thing I know, I heard Mark Goodman’s voice over our Sonos One speaker. (A clear product plug if I’ve ever seen one…thank you Sonos for keeping my husband employed!!) He was introducing Duran Duran for a Town Hall to discuss Paper Gods.

I hadn’t ever listened to it before. Let me say – I didn’t get to listen to the entire thing (we have six people in this house, and as I’ve said before – I rarely get through anything without being interrupted 45,000 times. Yesterday was no exception.), but it was the best half hour of my day. I listened, smiled, made dinner, and forgot about Covid-19. My blood pressure seemingly returned to normal. *sigh*

There are days when I know I need to stay off of social media. This is one of them, but I wanted to find out about this new order from my governor that begins tomorrow. He shut all of the beaches and parks. I live close to Morro Bay, and we drive there pretty often, so I wanted to know more. It is very difficult to talk myself through my feelings when I see perfect strangers talk how we should all stay inside until a vaccine is found. Or, when people I know consider one “upside” of this virus being that perhaps an entire political party will kill themselves off. Kindness all the way, I guess???

Nope. I shut Facebook down pretty quickly after that. It isn’t even about how *I* feel, it’s that the world has gone off the rails!! That, combined with whatever I’m feeling that day is a nasty combination. I get it. Everyone is stressed. We all say shit sometimes. I just can’t take it today. So, I went to Twitter very quickly to check the Daily Duranie account. That’s when I saw a post from Duran Duran. Thank goodness for Duran Duran.

They posted what they characterized as a “never before seen” video from a Paper Gods photo shoot. I have to tell you guys, I don’t often take time to watch this stuff. There have been any number of things they’ve posted over the years that I just kind of skim over or scroll past. It isn’t that I don’t care – it’s just that I don’t have time to consume it all. So I don’t. But this time, I did. Set to “Last Night in the City”, the short video was cute. I saw the band smiling and laughing, and I’m not going to lie – I nearly cried. It was so nice to remember that once upon a time, I went to shows. We planned to do things together. I clinked glasses with Simon in a hotel bar. We’d smile at them onstage, and maybe we’d even extend a wave to one another. I’d sit on the edge of my seating waiting for new music. Amanda and I took road trips. We also spoke regularly, and I didn’t feel like waking up and getting through every single day was a trial. I miss those times. How about you?

So am I doing well? No. No I’m not. But I’m trying. I just thought it was better to be honest, and let the few regular readers we have left know that yeah – this is a struggle right now. My hope is fading a bit, but I’m working on it. What about you?

-R

6 thoughts on “I’m (Probably) Not Going to Sleep Tonight”

  1. Hi Rhonda, I know we don’t know each other but I love the blog and follow when I can, but I just want to wish you courage to get through the ‘down’ days. Sadly I it seems half the world is growing through similar rollacoaster of emotions with new and old emotional daemons raising their heads at the most bizarre times.
    I also don’t sleep well at the moment and I think it is partly that our bodies are holding onto so much stress that it is almost impossible to physically relax.
    Hold onto the good moments and try to remember them during the bad. DD will be on stage again at some point and who knows that new album will one day appear as well!
    Sending love and best wishes to get through this Emma-rose
    PS I appreciate the honesty of your blog, here in the UK there is a lot of concern for the emotional effect this is having on everyone and people are being encouraged to be open about the down days as we as the up ones (and the jumps between the two). I think those who struggle to do this can only be encouraged by seeing others have the courage and openness to do the same x

    1. Hi Emma-Rose,

      You have a lovely name. We almost named our youngest Emerald, and would have called her Emma or some derivative for short. Instead, she’s a Sabrina 🙂 I am very much looking forward to the new Duran Duran album. I just hope that the band hasn’t lost the energy or momentum to finish it, although I wouldn’t blame them if they had. This is a very tough road at times.

      It is funny, my mother-in-law is English, as were my paternal great-grandparents, and they just don’t/didn’t talk about feelings. I know that’s a cultural thing, and in times like this – I think we need to talk about it. Life isn’t all that wonderful ALL the time. I’m just struggling with the day to day. My husband and adult kids still have careers, my 12 year old has school (although it’s very different now), and then there’s me. I didn’t have a job before this, but I looked forward to the weekends. It meant getting out of the house, going out, doing things, seeing friends and having fun. And now, my days literally consist of getting up, feeding all of the animals, cleaning, and cooking.

      I don’t know if you’ve read the blog for any length of time, but I’ve never been that great at embracing the whole housewife thing. I do my best, but I don’t love it. Love my family, adore my kids and animals, but to do the same thing every day? Shoot me now.

      So yes, if seeing that I definitely don’t have it all together, and that I’m not doing a great job of beating the drum and taking on this challenge with vigor helps anyone, GOOD. Talking about it is good.
      -R

  2. Hi, I just wanted to check in after reading this. It is such a difficult, stressful time, and I totally understand about you struggling. I know everyone handles it differently, and for me, my emotions change from one minute to the next. I know we don’t know each other, but I am a good listener if you need to talk or write about anything. If you don’t want to, please know that I am sending you lots of positive thoughts. And please just try to take good care of you!

    1. Hi Veronica,

      Thank you very much for the kind words and thoughts. As you said, my feelings change pretty drastically from one minute to the next, although today has been pretty icky over all. The days aren’t all that way, thankfully, but this one has been tough. And now, I get to figure out dinner. Ugh.
      -R

  3. Even though I am lucky and considered ‘essential’ I find this post expresses a lot of how I feel.It is hard.We are short staffed, working hard, and some customers are taking out their frustrations out on us.I don’t take it personally, which isn’t easy. I know this isn’t the rest of our lives, it’s just a small patch to endure. But I’m psychically exhausted and like you sleep does not come easy. I have planned a little ‘home concert’ to salve my sorrow at not having a concert to go to tomorrow-I’m certainly grateful to You Tube and all those fans who film and post concerts. I’m going to flog them tomorrow night.Sing along and dance with them in my room, with only my confused dogs for company. Good times!

  4. I am limiting my Facebook time. Way too many nastiness on Facebook now, on both sides politically. I started doing other activities, like cleaning out my room and collecting items to donate to various places once they re-open. I’m very active at the library and have way too many books so I am reading them and then donating many to library. A win for them since they can sell them and make money (they have a huge book sale in September) and I get empty shelves where I can rearrange things. I don’t have a full time job now (this epidemic put a stop to that) but am getting interviews for online jobs so if I get one of those jobs best of both worlds. The good thing about this is that I can catch up with things I’ve been wanting to do for years and haven’t had time, like updating my websites and portfolios and learn new skills. Sure it all stinks but looking at the positives are keeping me sane.

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