There’s always a point just before I leave to go on a trip where I say to myself (or out loud!) “Why did I plan this?” That time for this trip is this morning. Actually, it really hit last Friday, but I ignored it then. My son is having a very difficult time in school this year. His grades are dismal, and I’m trying very hard to help him – it’s actually forcing me to relearn 7th grade math, which is joyous. I have never loved math. He has a band concert tonight that I somehow have to get everyone picked up from school, fed and ready to go by 6pm so that he can be dropped off. (never going to happen. I don’t even get home from picking up the oldest until about 6 these days!) My oldest is on crutches at the moment – I know I’ve mentioned it here before but she’s a commercial dancer at an arts high school, and unfortunately she fell while bike riding a few weeks back, so there’s been zero dancing lately. Unbeknownst to us prior, she has Osgood-Schlatter’s disease, which is not a big deal – but it’s a bone issue that is extremely common during childhood and it tends to cause pain, which she had when she was younger – we thought it was growing pains. Ha. It’s something she will (and has begun) to grow out of, but when she fell, she apparently aggravated the problem, and there’s a possibility that she also has a small fracture in that same area that they can’t seem to pick up on x-ray because of the angle. She should have been off the crutches as of Monday, but naturally things are taking longer to heal that we would all prefer. As a result, she’s going to see our sports medicine doctor every day for treatment. My husband is in the middle of his annual sales meetings and I haven’t seen him for any real length of time since Monday. I’m not even sure if he realizes I’m actually leaving tomorrow and that he actually has to be “in charge” around here. I hope he remembers to pick the kids up!! I typed out a schedule for him yesterday, but I don’t think he’s even seen it. Lastly, I’m sick again (as is everyone in the house). It’s just a cold, but to put it in terms everyone will understand, I’m already hoarse in the morning and I haven’t even been to a show yet! Can’t WAIT to see what I’ll be like come Saturday morning. It’s all of these things that stress me out, and then I think to myself that it would have been so much easier to just stay home. Of course it would have been, but then I would be missing out…
I think it’s a terrible tug-of-war sometimes to be a parent/wife/whatever and wanting to go and do things for yourself once in a while. I have a particularly hard time with it at times, and yet I know that in the end, it’s good for me to go. My mom had some pretty harsh words for me last week when we saw my son’s progress report from school – she reminded me that my first (and as far as she’s concerned, only) priority was to my children, and that I can’t count on my husband to step up when I don’t feel like it – it’s my job. Her feeling is that I spend far too much time on this blog and on things “Duran” related and not enough with my kids. I’m not sure I completely agree, although her point was well-taken. I write the blog in the morning while most of the kids are at school. I try to keep my writing to about a half hour, but sometimes it does take longer. After that, yes – I can waste my time by being on line, and I’m sure I’ve done that – but I also spend a lot of time doing all of the things any other mom does around the house, and then my entire afternoons are spent picking kids up, bringing them home, getting them motivated to start homework, and then I fight traffic to and from the school my oldest attends – because she spends a full day at school, then has two hours of “conservatory”, which are her art-based classes. In her case, it’s dance. I get home here by 6pm, make dinner, eat, clean up from dinner, then I have to get my little one into the bath, get her to bed, then sit down and go over my son’s homework. Last night I spent an hour just on his math homework so that I could make sure it was correct. It was, and now I remember how to multiply, divide & reduce algebraic fractions again. I was finished with my work by 10pm, in just enough time to download a few books for my trip tomorrow, and a couple of albums as well. My light was off by 10:45 and I was up again this morning by 6:30. What does my husband do around here? Good question. He didn’t even get home from his sales meeting until 11 last night, and while that’s not normal, I think it’s fair to say that while he does have responsibility to the family, he also has responsibilities outside of the home, and during the week at the very least – those take precedence. For example, when I commented on my worries about getting everyone where they needed to be today (and yesterday for that matter), his response was “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” Gee, thanks honey.
At first when my mom started in on me, I agreed with her and felt guilty (I still feel a little guilty), but the more I think about it, the more I’m not sure what more I can really do. I’m sure that every mom out there knows how I feel when I say that I love my family, but that isn’t enough. Sometimes, I actually need to take care of me and take time to cherish some of the things in life that I enjoy(ed) on my own, before I became a mom. It’s a tough balance.
And just think, in a month – I’ll be doing this all over again! Just thinking about it already makes my blood pressure rise….eek!!!!