I have to admit that I have been processing everything that was last weekend still. I keep thinking about the shows, the drive, the interactions with others and more. I have been accused once or twice in my life of over thinking and I’m sure I’m guilty of it now. Yet, sometimes, thinking helps to make decisions, draw conclusions and move on. Here is the conclusion I have drawn since last weekend. I’m not inviting anyone else in. You are probably thinking that you have no freaking idea of what the heck I’m talking about. Let me explain and maybe, you, too, can relate.
When I first started touring and going to Duran functions, I wanted to meet as many people as I could! For one thing, I wanted to share my excitement, my love for the band with other people who understood. Heck, isn’t that why a lot of us sought out message boards in the modern era and penpals back in the day? I was really lucky to have met Rhonda early on in my touring life. Although, looking back on it, maybe I wasn’t as I think she spoiled me for life. As I was saying, the other part of meeting fellow Duranies was to find people to go to shows with. I figured that I could always go alone but it would not be the same or as fun. Therefore, over the course of many years now, I have attended shows with a variety of people. Some of these people are very much like me in my fandom and others, not at all. Last weekend, I attended my two shows with 3 people I wasn’t sure of as I didn’t really know or understand their Duranie status.
I believe that all 3 of those people had a good time. Nothing super dramatic or problematic happened with any of them. Yet, I have found myself with a burning desire to narrow the group of people I attend shows with. (I still really want to meet other fans, though!!!!) Why? If there wasn’t a problem and people had a good time, why would I limit myself? Why would I want that? I want that because it’s personal. The thing about Duran Duran for me is that they aren’t just another band. I’m not just a fan of theirs. There is something more, something deeper. Obviously, I have made a commitment to this fandom in a much different way than someone who attends their hometown show when the band comes around. I write this blog and I’m working on a book. My vacations are tours or to visit other friends that I have met because of the band. I’m not saying that I’m a bigger or better fan than the new people I went with or than the people who go to hometown shows, but I am different. I can’t and shouldn’t expect people to be like me. At the same token, I also need to feel safe in my fandom on tour.
I feel like I have taken risks every time someone new enters my touring world. I’ll be really honest here. Some of the people that were, at one point, part of my Duranie world are no longer. I have been hurt by many of these situations whether it is that the person used me or whether it was because the person wasn’t being truthful. I am tired of trying to explain my fandom. I’m tired of being worried about whether or not I will be treated well and whether or not I will be uncomfortable in any given situation on tour. I don’t want to spend my time worrying about those issues when I could and should be enjoying a show or shows. I don’t know how long this will last and I want to be able to really enjoy it while I can. I want to go to shows with people who get it and get me or can at least appreciate where I’m coming from. This is personal to me and I’m tired of feeling exposed and vulnerable. Likewise, I can imagine that non-Duranies would have as much fun doing some of the things I do on tour.
I know that this probably sounds incredibly vague and I apologize for this. Let me try to put a twist on it with concrete terms that I think might make more sense. I was willing to stand in line and in GA for hours last weekend to get a decent spot for the Chicago show. Not everyone is. I get that. If I try to force someone to do that in order to go with me, it probably won’t go too well. Maybe it will go okay once or twice but after awhile, true feelings with come out. Maybe then the other person will go but start to feel bitter or resentful. Maybe I will, too, because I don’t know why someone isn’t enjoying this as much as I am. Maybe I will feel judged for loving it the way I do. Maybe I’ll judge them. It isn’t good for anyone.
Therefore, I, now, think I will stick to those people I have attended shows with and have had a good time with. I want to be with people who understand how much all of this means to me or can appreciate it. I want to feel comfortable and not worried about when it will all fall apart. I need some security and I need to be able to trust the people I attend shows with.