I Must Have Flowers in my Brain

I have no business going to Las Vegas in December.  I should not be going to that Duran Duran concert on December 30th.  Nope.  It is completely not logical.  The concert ticket was ridiculously expensive and the hotel room isn’t much better.  On top of that, the flight is going to cost me an arm and a leg from what I can tell.  The timing isn’t great either.  It is in the middle of winter break, a break that is super short again this year.  My to-do at home is a mile long as I get nothing done during the school year.  If all that wasn’t enough, I have been to plenty of shows.  Heck, a lot of you are probably thinking that I have been to way more shows than I should.

I could start listing all of the reasons that it “makes sense” to go, including that I don’t have to worry about work, that I get to see Rhonda and our other friends, and that going to a Duran show is a blast.  Work is a significant reason.  I could say that I deserve a lot of fun after working 10-12 hour days, at least 6 days a week since September 5th.  Besides work, I don’t have a lot of other responsibilities as I don’t have a family beyond the parents and nieces.  All of that is definitely true and they are all good reasons, but I admit that it isn’t the whole story.

When I think about what going on tour means, visions of groups and friends fill my head.  Memories of hanging out in bars or dancing in clubs with a whole bunch of people flood my consciousness.  While Rhonda and I definitely admit that our fan community (like all other fan communities) is not perfect.  I do not and will not like each and every fan and the same is true about me.  Competition too often gets in the way of genuine interaction and friendship but there is still something special with being on tour, at least for me.  It means being accepted.

Throughout my life, I have stood out from the crowd and not really in a good way.  I have been viewed as someone who is different.  Heck, many of you reading this probably recognize that, even through my writing.  I can come across as cold, calculating, closed off when I am just observing and thinking through things.  Many cannot relate to the way I analyze everything and write in a more serious way no matter the topic.  My passions, including politics, history, women’s studies, are not always easy to put up with.  I get all that.  I recognize that my life is different than a lot of other people our age.  I don’t have a husband.  I don’t have children.  A heck of a lot of time is spent on working and on politics.  Not everyone is into that.  I’m okay with that, but I also know that it is hard for people to relate to me.  As a kid, this really bothered me.  I was relieved when Duran Duran entered the world because it meant that I shared something that a lot of other people did.  Instead of being a total outsider, a part of me fit in.  The same is true now as an adult.  Being on tour means that I have a few days to fit in, to be accepted, to be a part of a group that I don’t get much in “real life”.

Speaking of my wacky personality characteristics, I’m sure it comes to no one that I tend to overthink everything.  I also put a lot of stuff on my shoulders as my responsibility and I feel guilty as heck when I take a break from those responsibilities.  Even Wenesday, when I was home sick (those presales often cause bad headaches, upset stomachs, etc.), I had checked into work before 10 am.  I was so worried about my classroom that I didn’t get much sleep the night before.  Thus, when something comes up that requires me to take a break from a responsibility or two, I struggle to go through with it.  I cannot tell you the number of times that I have gone back-and-forth with calling in sick when I’m actually sick.  I swear that my brain goes through every detail, every affect.  I envy those people who can just be decisive about things that affect their work lives.  I suck at it.  Funny enough, Duran is the one thing that pushes me out of this.  I don’t let myself think too much.  I just go with what I want within reason, of course.  The excitement overrides that voice of responsibility.  Maybe some of you think that is not a good reason to go, but, for me, I appreciate the break.  Of course, the break from thinking non-stop also happens on tour.  I don’t think too much then.  I just feel and react and live.

So, while I should not be going to Vegas for all the reasons I listed above, I am.  The desire to fit in, to have fun, and to take that mental break overrides the logic of not going.  Now…I gotta figure out a flight there and back.

-A

2 thoughts on “I Must Have Flowers in my Brain”

  1. You are not alone…I procrastinate and over worry,but my love for Duran is a released,they always make smile and forget my worries…so go for it…you only live once!!!!!!

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