My impending loss of compensation is so great that my days of touring will be over. In fact, I will have to move from my apartment, if I stay where I am. I cannot begin to justify going to shows or traveling for tours, if I cannot afford to keep my home (and when I mean home–I mean my one bedroom apartment). Looking back at the last five or six years, I realize how lucky I have been. I have been able to go to 20 shows since 2005 and most of those shows have required significant drives or flying. I hope to have 5 more under my belt before summer hits. Therefore, these upcoming shows better be the best ones ever because they may have to last me for quite a while.
Now, do not get me wrong here, I am not giving up. I refuse to have to move backwards like this and have been and will continue to fight it every step of the way. Obviously, part of this fight might be to consider my options. Different profession? Different location? Both? I’m hoping that I do find something that allows me to keep this element of my life. For me, Duran is both my escape and my fun, especially touring. I do not want to give that up. The band and everything that goes with enhances my quality of life. Could I live without them? Yes. Do I want to? Nope. For one thing, it means that I won’t see my Duranie friends much as most of them live far away from me, including my co-author. That is extremely upsetting to me. It also means that I no longer have things to look forward to as I once did. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m the queen of countdowns. I normally count down every day until a big event like a tour because that countdown helps me gets through each day. It gives me a positive thing to focus on. Soon, that will be gone. I can’t rely on Duran to be the lighthouse of relief in the sea of stress. I cannot even begin to tell you how sad it makes me that I won’t be able to see my friends as much. Yes, we are all on the internet but it is not the same. I won’t have the money to travel and we won’t have the excuse of Duran to bring us together as much as we did because I won’t be able to afford it.
I now understand how Duranies who have always been in this boat must feel. I apologize if I ever seemed uncaring or not very understanding. I get it now. I get it in such a way that these last shows will be appreciated by me in a way that I probably haven’t done since 2005. I look forward to them as I desperately need the escape but I also dread them in a way because I know that they will be the last for a long time. I feel like I do at every show when I hear the opening notes to Rio, which is typically played at the very end, because I know that the song will be great but I also know that the show is almost over. It is always such a bittersweet moment. Now, the whole show will be like that for me.