Enough was never enough
Today is September 12, and in a weird way, I kind of like that I am the blogger on this day. (For those just joining us, I blog Monday through Thursday, while Amanda takes the Friday, Saturday and Sunday shift.) Nine years ago tomorrow, I posted our very first blog. Today, I’m posting the final blog of our eighth year of Daily Duranie.
Nine years ago, we were using Blogger as the platform, and I think it’s safe to say I didn’t know what I was doing.
OK, I’m not sure I really know what I’m doing now, either.
Anyway, I wrote the first post for the site. I think it was more of a hello than anything else. I’m fairly sure not one single soul read it, at least on that first day. Writing and posting felt like equal parts “Hello Diary” and “junior high school love note”, which I really liked, and still do. Awkward, shy, and wide-eyed, I posted that very first blog without really being aware of what it meant to be a blogger.
My karma train
My back story is simply that I was never one of the popular kids at school. Caught somewhere between nerd and loser, I did have a group of friends I hung out with until high school, and then I was in the marching band, which gave me a group of instant friends that I remain in touch with even today. During college, I joined a sorority, which was my worst attempt EVER to fit in. As it turns out, I don’t do especially well with large groups of females. I am sure this is not shocking to anyone out there but me. Suffice to say, I learned a lot about myself back then. I had fun being a Zeta, but I’m not your average sorority girl.
In adulthood, particularly as a stay-at-home mom, the isolation can be the worst, and it really was for me. I joined the MOMS Club (again, more females…but I survived), tried PTA (never, ever, again), and then reacquainted myself with Duran Duran. Thank goodness for Duran Duran. I mean that. Had it not been for this band, I think I would have lost my mind.
I don’t know what it is about me, but I was never quite satisfied with just going to shows or just being an onlooker. That’s the way I am about most things. I like to get involved! As shy as I am (and believe me, I am), I want to get in there and get my hands dirty. So when I joined a message board, I didn’t just read, I became a prolific poster. When someone wanted to organize a convention, I didn’t just attend, I joined the committee. (That was the best thing I’ve ever done in my entire life, aside from being a mom to my three children.) In short, I seek approval. It is devastating to me when I don’t get it. To sum it up, my friends, seeking approval is my own personal kryptonite.
My catch twenty two
So when people ask me why we’re still blogging, even nine years later, the real reason—the one I don’t talk about often because it shines too bright of a light on who I *really* am— is that I don’t want to be forgotten. I need that approval. It is my “love language”, as my oldest child has told me. Blogging has been about the only way I feel like I’m included, or get approval by many (but definitely not all) out in Duranland.
That’s the downside of blogging, right? On one hand, we have people come up to us or send us notes telling us how much they love what we do – and there’s really no way for me to put into words how high my heart soars and swells when we get those notes or when someone says that to us. On the other, there is a certain motivation that exists in a very competitive, female-driven atmosphere where some would rather tear people down, than give them a hand up, or admit that they matter.
The downside of blogging has taken me a while to come to terms with, and it is my ongoing achilles heel. As someone who desperately wants to be liked and accepted, it is horrendous when I know that I’m not. I try to pretend that my feelings don’t get hurt from time to time, but of course they do. I’m human. It is hard not to notice when someone is disgusted by your existence, and I very much admire people who are able to brush it off. I’m not. I’m working on it.
Strong is the human chain
You would think—oh hell, *I* would have thought—that by the time I was nine years into this thing, I’d have it all figured out by now. I don’t. Not much has really changed. I can still walk past the Chandelier Bar at the Cosmopolitan on a Sunday night with loads of Duranies in there – and either females will watch me walk past and whisper, or they don’t even notice at all. I’m not really sure which is worse. Thank goodness for Amanda. She doesn’t mind me (much).
So after nine years, what does it really mean to be a blogger?
A blogger protects their relationships. My friendship with Amanda is the most important thing about this website. She is my best friend, and knows far too much. <grin>
Dig in deep
I find that blogging has a lot more to do with the willingness to learn and uncover things about yourself, than it probably does the subject you’re writing about. I mean, I have learned far more about myself than I have Duran Duran during these nine years. My best posts, the ones I am most proud of, are the ones where I open up. No, they don’t always have something directly to to do with Duran Duran. However, those posts, or the subjects within, absolutely have a part in being a fan.
Blogging means being honest – even if your feelings upset people. All you have as a blogger is your own word. You have to be willing to own and defend your thoughts, and then be able to let them go. You’re not always liked. Sometimes people love what you say, and other times, they hate it. Readers and fans hold onto anger and grudges for FAR longer than I do, that is for sure.
Once you hit “publish”, your job as a blogger is done. The words don’t belong to you any longer, and they’re up to others to interpret. Sometimes, that works really well. Other days, it is a slow train wreck. Those are the moments when it is time to shut the laptop, and walk away. It took me a long time to learn to just walk away, but I can promise it was the most valuable skill I’ve ever learned (from blogging).
A feeling that runs so deep
Nine years. I just never thought we’d still be writing. I don’t mind marveling about it at the risk of getting hate mail from someone about bragging. Nearly every day for nine years we’ve written something. I’m proud of that, and I’m looking forward to at least nine more.
I hope the band is prepared to go that long. We’ll keep at it as long as you do!
Oh, that reminds me – tomorrow, in honor of our anniversary, Amanda and I are going to record a video and celebrate with cocktails, so that should be interesting. The blog, or vlog in this case, will be posted LATE tomorrow, so check it out over the weekend!