By the time you are reading this, I’ll be at work trying to get through the day. More than that, I also have to make sure that I’m ready to be gone on Monday. This is no easy feat when I have to teach 5 classes and attend a lunch meeting. I also have to get out at the door as soon as the last bell rings. Every single time that I do this I wonder if I should. Part of that feeling is the feeling that all women have when they put aside their responsibilities. Society has taught us to put ourselves last. I know that. Logically. It is harder, emotionally. The other part of that feeling is this is too much of a hassle. After all, on top of the work to be gone a day, it requires hours of traveling first to the airport and then to Vegas itself.
These feelings are not new for me. They happen each and every time. That said, there is a part of me that is also sad that I wasn’t able to go to the show last night or that I can’t get into Vegas until late. I don’t know that anyone likes missing anything but I recognize that it kicks up illogical anxiety. It isn’t even missing the band (although I don’t like that either) but it is the fear that my friends will leave me behind. Dumb, right?
All of this leaves me a bundle of nerves. Yet, I know exactly how it is going to go. By two or three songs into the show, I will say the following to myself, “There is no place I would rather be,” as I feel a wave of bliss surge through me. Then, when I return home, the dominant emotions will include joy in having gone with a bit of sadness in knowing that it is over. Perhaps, this is why my emotions feel heightened right now. After this weekend, there is nothing on my calendar to look forward to. In fact, I will have pretty much the entire school year ahead of me. It will feel like a long stretch.
I’m sure that all of these thoughts will accompany me as I head towards the airport. I will work to remind myself of the fun I will have, which is very much a true statement. I remember reading a John Taylor quote once in a magazine that went something like this, “Did you ever have so much fun that you didn’t know if you would get over it? It was like that.” Here’s the thing. The first time I went on tour in the spring of 2005, that is exactly how it was like for me. It was so much fun that I never got over it. This led to more shows, more tours. Those tours were equally as fun so I continue to go. That pushes me past all of those other less-than-pleasant feelings of anxiety and guilt.
I fully expect that this weekend to remind me once again that touring is so fun that I’m still not over it.