What does jealousy really do for you?

Good morning…I’m a third of the way back to sanity.  Well, maybe I should call it insanity, but it’s my normal all the same.  One out of the three kids went back to school this morning!  It’s a very quiet morning in my house, as my youngest still isn’t up yet!!  (I suspect that when she does arise, there will be evidence of illness…*sigh*)  I’ve been watching CNN (I’m a news junkie and since the Iowa Caucus is tonight, I’m paying more attention than usual), and even enjoyed an interruption free shower…with hot water!  It’s the small things that make my life super special.

One can certainly tell that things are quiet out in Duranland.  How so??  Within two minutes of checking my Twitter timeline – it was clear that drama had once again taken its rightful place in the community.  I have to say, we’re nothing if not predictable…and 90% female.  (Apologies to the guys out there, who are always very quick to steer me into a good conversation about Duran’s music or other news.  I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that sort of diversion!!)  Come now, you all knew I’d have to write a little about the drama.  It’s part of what makes our community tick, and to be really blunt, it’s one of the things that fascinates me most.  It’s not the drama itself that entertains me, although there are moments.  It’s the mechanics of it all that make me stop and stare.  I understand the competitive nature of women.  I understand what it means to be territorial, even if that feeling is completely misguided.  I know it is downright exciting to receive a retweet, be followed, or even get a post from a band member.  What I don’t understand is why it’s worth ruining both your own reputation as well as others by saying horrible things about the recipient of said attention…regardless of whether said things are truthful, slight exaggerations, or downright lies.  What you say online is out there permanently. Yes, this is the internet, and I would love to be able to say much of it is done based on the safety of being behind a somewhat anonymous screen – but I’ve seen a lot of you live and in person.  It happens no matter where we are, what we’re doing, or whom we’re with.  We can certainly be a vicious people.  I know it is hard to be excited for someone else when they’ve gotten attention that you’ve been desiring for so long – but is it really that other persons fault? Does it really help to lessen the reputation of that other person??  I am as guilty as anybody else of wondering why “so and so” has been able to find the band so many times, or why that girl always gets a reply back from someone, etc. etc.  What I’ve come to realize though is that sometimes, it’s my own doing!  I’m not the type of person who is just going to barge on up to the front of a line, beg for a pick, insist on a hug, or even run up to the front of a stage….thinking back to Glasgow where for one frightening second too long Amanda and I actually considered staying in our SEATS because we didn’t think it was fair to run to the front of the stage. We missed our chance for a front row spot as a result.  Stupid, I know.  I’m not much of a risk taker I suppose.  I didn’t even ask for a drumstick or a pick when I had the chance.  Why?  Good question, and aside from not wanting to be turned down, I don’t have an answer.  My point though is that sometimes, even when given the chance to have that all-important interaction or attention, I’ll literally run in the other direction!  While there are times when I do catch myself feeling just a little jealous, especially when I feel like some of what I think is the worst behavior possible is rewarded, I remind myself of all the moments I could have had but didn’t take.  Then there are the times that I feel are golden: when someone I know who has had very few opportunities to see the band, have interactions with the band or otherwise has their moment.  They might get a retweet from John, be followed by Simon, get a post from Dom or Roger…or get a picture with any and all them.  How on earth can I be mad about that?  I can’t!  I get as excited for them as I would for myself, and oddly enough, it is in those moments when I am happiest about being a fan.

Let me tell a brief story here.  When I first really got involved in the community, well before I ever became a blogger, I had my own fits of jealousy when someone else would have their moment(s).  I think it got to the point where I would take the time to even consider if that person was deserving, and yes – I’d judge them!  It was disgusting of me, and embarrassing to admit here.  It wasn’t as though I felt like I owned the band and didn’t want to share as much as it was just that I was jealous.  The more it would happen to people I knew and maybe didn’t like so much, the worse it got; and honestly – the worse I would feel at the end of a weekend, a show or even after being online sometimes. I know it got to the point where I worried more about finding the band after a show, or who (fans) would be at the show or who would post the next picture with a band member, than I thought about having fun, and that’s when I realized it was time to change things; specifically – change my own outlook.  I will say it loudly, clearly and brutally honest right here: at first, it was REALLY, REALLY hard to just be happy for other people.  I was so jealous of reading how someone got another photo, or another picture.  I kept forcing myself to simply be happy for someone else, regardless of how well I knew them.  Then in time, it got easier and easier.  Amazingly enough, I am so much happier now than I ever was before.  I don’t spend a lot of time scowling at shows, or after shows, when I hear about someone finding the band.  I don’t get as upset if I don’t see them myself.  I genuinely and honestly am happy to hear good news from other people.  I know a lot of people who say that they just don’t care when someone gets a retweet or whatever.  Well, I *do* care.  I’m thrilled for them.  I like reading that sort of thing, and on top of that – I love being that kind of person, that kind of fan, and that kind of friend these days.  It’s much easier to just be happy than it is to be mad or wonder why it didn’t happen to me…because sometimes….it *does* happen to me, and I can see when friends spend time wondering why it didn’t happen to them.  I don’t have that answer, but I can honestly say that its a lot more attractive and fun to be happy than it is to be angry.

-R

7 thoughts on “What does jealousy really do for you?”

  1. Great blog R, you've hit the nail on the head about online behaviour being out there permanently. Being nice online & in person goes so much further, means no shame hangovers and allows one to take pleasure in others' excitement! If you check my Twitter favourites, you'll see I saved your JT tweet! It's awesome! 😀

  2. I can say I have NEVER EVER been jealous of anyones interaction with the band, I have always been thrilled to seen fan/band member pictures, but having witnessed the negativity on the boards I can honestly say that I very nearly DIDN'Tpost my photos in case it was seen as “bragging”. I have been lucky enough to see them at the Sworfish signing with Mark Ronson and this year at the Birmingham concert a whole host of people starting with a very dear friend to Emma Freud to Sandra and Orla worked it so that I got a meet & greet. I was super happy about it after this god awful year I have had, they did it as a well done treat, but I think I was more excited that my friend who came with me was at her very first Duran gig and she was meeting them with me. Does that seem strange? maybe, but, it's the way I am. My friend went to a Take That (remember them from an earlier blog?) that concert was MASSIVE but in comparison nowhere near as good. I'm so happy she got that experience and now she is saving for the next tour for VIP she well and truly got bit by the DD bug lol.
    I totally don't get the meanness of other fans, ownership of what exactly? It turns me well and truly away from any boards I see it on. As for DDM it's a lot of money to pay out for bad feelings and makes me doubt I'll renew…..but I bet I do.

  3. I understand everyone wants to get attention. I dont get how it helps for us to turn on each other. How does that help promote the band? How does that help bring in new fans? I didnt have fellow duranies growing up and this last year I was so excited to finally get to share my love. However I have found good and bad duranies. I have actually met some downright mean ones. I try not to let this spoil my duranie fun but we are all adults and I dont get the hisgh school behavior. I love it when anyone gets a tweet or whatever but I dont like the ones who brag or think they have done something extra that the other s havent. Its a matter of timing and what mood they are in that day. I am just glad they are interacting with fans. I have loved them since I was at least 12 I really dont want to have to worry about someone getting mad if I get a tweet or meet them or whatever. The ones who get involved in drama are you bored? Are you that unhappy? Or are you just crazy? It saddens me to think that a least the majority of us cant be close and share the happiness. I havea small group that I know would never hurt me and I would like to make more duranie friends but a little put off now.

  4. Thank you!!! I couldn't agree more!! And this coming from a 30 yr fan that has only seen one concert (2005), has never met the band, but has been lucky enough to receive a couple tweets from JT & SLB. Twitter is my playground and I refuse to have anything to do with bullying there.

  5. I agree with you. I would say more, but my battery is running low. I think it is sad to find such disharmony amongst some sections of the global Durang
    Keep up the great blog, it makes me smile…..( come up and see me)

    Iain

  6. Very well said! I started to follow the “fandom” more closely over the last year, and some of what I saw and read really surprised me. Especially since that a good part of their fanbase has to be people who loved their music in the 80s and just kept on loving it through the years. Dare I say it, older people like us?

    There is a lot I could say, but will simply state that I left my high school days long ago and like to think I have matured a lot since then. So I really can't understand why anyone would act like they are still in HS, or belittle someone simply because they meet the band, or get a tweet, or get some other sort of attention from them. If you have been fortunate enough to have that kind of interaction, then I say more power to you!

    -Susan-

  7. I think part of the problem is that people don't set out thinking they're going to act as though they're in high school. It's not quite that conscious of a decision. I think what genuinely happens is that they get caught up in the moment, in the excitement of the band, in the disappointment of not getting attention or whatever – and completely lose their good sense. I might be giving people more of the benefit of the doubt than I probably should, but I just have a tough time believing that people set out to be the rude, bitchy people that I sometimes see. ;D Maybe that's just me being nice on a Thursday morning though! LOL -R

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