I am nearly certain that everyone reading today is expecting some sort of discussion. Drama spreads quickly in Duranland. Here’s the thing: I wasn’t there. I don’t know what happened. I’m not going to publicly shame anyone for speaking their truth. However, I do think that it’s time to have a frank conversation about consent.
How many times have you seen fans jump over furniture to try and catch the band as they get out of an SUV, or hurl themselves at a band member (and I mean literally)? What about when the band has been onstage performing – how many times have you seen someone reach their hand up to grab Simon’s leg? What about when the band is just trying to get to their car, or a hotel room, or a table at a restaurant? If they have to walk through a group of fans to get there – have you ever seen anyone try to grab one of them? Have you ever seen a fan snake his/her hand up (or down) a band member’s back while posing for a photo? What about touching their hair, grabbing their hands, pulling them, jumping on them, or otherwise touching them before being invited?
I’ve witnessed it. Laughed at it, even, to be honest. I’ve also written about it here. Many responded over the years, saying I take it all too seriously. Anybody remember when Amanda wrote blog after blog about boundaries? Some fans were furious with her for even suggesting the idea of rules, unspoken or otherwise. Is it really just “anything goes”? Others continue to say, the band asks for it just by putting out music and being famous.
Hold up. They ask for it? Really?? Do those words sound familiar to anyone else, or is it really just me?!?
The band writes, records, and performs music. Nowhere in any of that have I ever seen a band member ASK to be touched, pawed at or jumped on. But we do it anyway, because we’re fans. It isn’t enough to be near them, at least not for some. We want to be as close as possible, and soak up the seconds for all they’re worth.
And if that weren’t more than I could bear… I read comments just today from fans who openly (and very graphically describe) say they want or wish for the band to grab them. How screwed up is that? It’s not only disturbing, it encourages the kind of culture that we’re all working hard to correct in the first place. That is every bit as disturbing to me as it would be to read about a rock star who grabbed a woman’s backside, sneering the entire time.
Most of the time, I think fan behavior is probably innocuous. No one actually means anything by giving Nick a squeeze, or touching Roger’s hair. It’s just fun, right? Nobody means much by invading personal space. We just get so excited to be close to these idols of ours, and surely they must understand. It’s just part of the deal with being a rock star or celebrity, right?
Do any of you know how many times I’ve heard someone say those very words?
Many times. Far too many.
But does the band really understand? And doesn’t anyone but me think that they deserve the right to say no? Don’t they deserve the right to go up to their hotel room after a show without having to fight their way past fans, or even choose to have a drink at the bar or eat dinner without being accosted by a fan? I can hear the outcry of “But they have security!” already.
They do have security. I’m thankful they do, as I know they must be. But that just isn’t the point here.
I can remember hearing stories of how the guys would be at a bar and a fan would go by, purposefully walking far too close to a band member, rubbing up against them along the way. I thought people were exaggerating. Turns out no, they weren’t. It happens. It is no freaking wonder that the band doesn’t come hang out with people as much any more. It’s not safe. It isn’t safe for them, and sometimes, it isn’t even safe for us. I used to wonder why the band didn’t make the effort to hang out with fans the way other bands might. I was so naive. Not everyone has the best of intentions.
I applaud the #metoo movement. I respect the right of women to come forward with their truths. I just feel that if we’re going to have a real conversation about consent – and the music industry as a whole NEEDS to have that conversation – we all had better take a step back and re-examine our own behavior, too. One is not any better than the other – none of it is OK! It bothers me that we’re all so busy in the Court of Public Opinion that we’ve forgotten to notice the bigger picture here. It isn’t OK to grab a band member any more than it’s OK to have one of them grab us. Consent goes both ways. Respect can and should be mutual.
-R
