I am finding that the same can be said for writing in general. Unlike Daily Duranie, I don’t write for the book every day. I wish I had the time for that, but right now, it is not possible. My book writing days are supposed to be on Friday. (Don’t call my house on Fridays expecting me to answer!) The trouble I have is that everything else on my “To-Do” list is also to be done on Fridays. So, there are many Fridays when book writing doesn’t get finished or even started until very late afternoon, and by then, my brain is mush. It seems as though no matter how consistent and diligent I am about setting aside my Fridays, something comes up and I feel like I have to put the book aside in favor of doing whatever else is expected to be done. This is something Amanda and I have talked about with one another at length, both of us agreeing that it just isn’t a simple fix, and that each of us must be patient with ourselves and one another. So we trudge on.
Right now, I am working on the convention chapter. What I should explain is that our book isn’t just a “How to” book, nor is a love letter to the band. It’s not a “tell all” about what it’s like to be a fan, nor is it a purely academic look into the fandom phenomena. In truth, it is all of those things combined into a single book. It’s an academic case study by the mere fact that we take a good look at fandom by examining the inner workings of a single fan community – this one. It is a love letter because Amanda and I have been fans for over thirty years, and there is a reason why it is THIS band that has caused both of us to write.This is definitely a book about how we became fans and why we still our fans…and by “we” I don’t just mean us, I mean YOU, too. So, when we write, it’s an exhaustive process, not only just mentally, but emotionally as well.
Somewhere along the way with this chapter, and probably even the book as a whole, I had it stuck in my head that we needed to get away from being so darn “hearts and flowers” and get into the real meat of fandom. My American Studies professors would have been proud, but the trouble is – the rest of our book is really written from the heart. It is our collective story interwoven with all of the research necessary to ask the real questions that need asking and explaining. I was finding, especially within this particular chapter, that I just had nothing left to say. I would sit down each week and feel almost nothing, and yet I knew this darn chapter had to get finished. So finally, I asked Amanda to take a look at my work. I sent it on it’s way, thinking to myself “Good riddance!” Amanda was supposed to read the chapter and then tell me where I needed to delve in a little deeper. I thought to myself that perhaps she’d even write a little bit, and that would help me to get back on track. Later on,I noticed I had an email waiting, so I checked my inbox, and there was Amanda’s reply. I was surprised she got back to me so quickly, but I was anxious to see what she had to say. Her email was very short, much shorter than I would have imagined. Basically, Amanda told me I needed to start over. My chapter was so research heavy that there was no heart in the story. In fact, there was no story. I have to tell you, when I first read the email, the first words out of my mouth were unkind. I am pretty sure I said something to the affect of, “F*** you. How about THAT?” and tossed my phone onto my counter. I know better than to respond straight away, so I let her comments sink in a little. As much as I hated to admit it, she was right. That’s why I was angry, because I already knew this, but I needed her to play the part of the heavy and tell me my chapter was crap.
When I finally did respond back, I told her that I hated that she was right, but that she was right. What was particularly frustrating, and continues to be a real challenge for me, is that sometimes when I sit down here to write, I feel nothing. I just can’t find that emotional component, or that muse. This wasn’t a problem when we first started the book, and I know why – it’s because I didn’t have nearly as much going on then. I could pour my emotion into the book and be done. True to form, Amanda agreed. She said that she knew I would feel that way. I don’t want to paint Amanda as heartless because she’s far from that. She just told me the truth because that’s what true partners do. They have the tough job of being honest even when we don’t think we want that. Sometimes they are the ones to hand us our backsides on a platter, and other times they are the ones to pick us up off the floor, dust us off and tell us to “get back in there!” Amanda does all of that. Many, many times over, even when emotionally she is probably sitting on the floor beside me.
I did eventually get up off the floor, and the very next Friday I sat down at the computer with a completely blank screen in front of me. Some writers say that is the scariest thing – the blank screen or blank piece of paper. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think that for me, I feel the calmest when I see the blank screen. The blank screen is representative of potential, and there is something very calming for me about beginning a project and seeing no words in front of me. It is only after I begin typing, after I’ve already decided what picture I’m about to paint with words, that the real challenge begins. I’ve learned that one of the worst things I can do to myself is to stop writing once I start, and that taking a break to read back over the words is a death sentence. I literally have to just start and keep writing until I’m finished with whatever story I’m trying to tell. (This is a REALLY tough challenge when you have a family – kids and a husband – who truly do not understand what it means to be a writer.) When I come to a natural ending, then I’m fine to leave off to take a break, and pick back up when I’m ready. That day, I also did something that I am learning to do with more regularity. I plugged in my earbuds, put them in my ears, and found some music on Spotify that makes me happy and blocks out the world. That particular day, I think I listened to A Diamond in the Mind on repeat. Other days, it’s been Between the Lines by Dom Brown, which is one of my very favorite CD’s that is not Duran Duran. (That one is particularly effective at blocking out the world as well as bickering children!)
The good news is that I’m about halfway done with the convention chapter now, and I can tell you that it is a much better read this time. I’ll be forever thankful that I have a writing and business partner that isn’t afraid to tell the truth, and when the time comes (if the time comes!) that I’m called to do the same, to pick her back up, dust her off and say, “Get back in there and write a damn chapter that is worth reading!!”, that she’ll be as thankful as I was….and that she won’t reply back to my email right away. 😀
-R
