All alone ain’t much fun

I had such high hopes and expectations for myself. Really, I did…and in fact I was doing just fine until this morning. When the MoMA screenings were announced, I barely blinked.  I thought it was a cool event for those close enough to be able to attend, and pretty much let my attention go elsewhere after that. Given that I’d just gotten home from Chicago and was already nursing a pretty good case of the flu – I really didn’t care that I was going to miss it. After all, I can’t go everywhere. Seeing Duran Duran is not a part of my job – well, not a paying job. I’m not independently wealthy either, and I’ve been put on a fairly permanent traveling “hiatus” (to put it politely). I also considered the fact(s) that I’ve seen Unstaged twice – once by being in the audience when it was filmed and once here at home.  While I think it’s very cool that the film is being screened at MoMA and that the band will be there, I need more bang for my traveling buck, to be fair. I even felt a little “lack of motivation” about the entire affair, to be honest. Remember – this blog is purely about ME, not how I expect everyone else in the community to feel or react.

I’ve mentioned a few times that I think for me personally – lately I’ve been trying to find the right place for the band to reside in my head and heart.  I don’t know if I’ve really grown out of the band, or if I’ve grown out of the squeeing fan I once was, or if I’m just really tired of all (what *I* consider) the nonsense that goes along with being a fan. I still very much adore their music. I still have a lot of respect for the history of this band, and a lot of love overall. I can’t really decide where I stand, only that I know I can’t continue to try and be at every single event (not that I ever did that anyway, but I wanted to!) – and I certainly can’t fly around the world just to see them. There are simply limits to what I can and will do, and today those limits are much more significant than they were even two years ago. I think that’s something called “being reasonable”…but I’m new to this sort of deal so I’m not really sure. (sarcasm, people. It’s sarcasm.)

So with all of that in mind, I’ve mostly ignored the entire thing. I’ve seen friends mention that they are flying from California to attend – I applaud them as I think to myself, there is absolutely no possibility I’d do such a thing right now. I’ve watched as new friends, fresh from the convention have made plans to meet in New York City. Even Amanda mentioned that she’d considered going, but that she couldn’t take more time off of work. I can honestly say I didn’t even consider it. I knew I couldn’t, and if I’m not super careful I won’t be going anywhere for at least the next year. For me personally, IF I go anywhere, and unfortunately for me that if is a pretty huge IF, I’d have to wait for them to tour. Who knows??

I’d managed to keep myself pretty busy and uninterested until this morning, when I dared check Twitter. As I said, I had SUCH high hopes for myself because I’d managed to ignore the entire thing without much fanfare. I even dared think to myself that perhaps I was finally a recovering DD “addict”!  However, my friends are checking in, heading to NYC by train or even airplane, and the funny thing is that I’m not really that envious about the screening or even the VIP cocktail party in my first thoughts. No. I’m just envious that they get to see one another again. Meaning my friends. It is in these moments where I feel like California is truly an island on the other side of the damn world. It’s the side-effect of having gone to so many shows and events in the midwest and even on the east coast. My friends do not live here, and many of them these days live on the east coast(ish). I don’t know if any of these people understand how much I miss them as they travel to see the band tonight. Sure, I’d love to see Duran Duran again. Of course. I think that goes without saying, really. But what I’d really like is to actually see my friends. The people that matter. The people that I really can trade 14 DM’s with on Twitter without them thinking I’m psycho, the people to whom I can say “Hey, I was thinking about you this morning…” without someone else who doesn’t even know you at all calling you a frumpy American (true story!)….and most importantly, the people who you can actually message or comment to online will actually respond. That whole “two-way communication” thing has become more important to me these days.

Naturally I hope that everyone who attends tonight has a fabulous time. I’m sure I’m going to read plenty of “I saw ___________ and got hugs from _______________ and it was amazing!” posts, and I think that is wonderful. I would imagine that given my incredible sense of luck, since I am not going to be present,  the VIP cocktail party is going to be outstanding, and everyone will meet every single member of the band, have lots of wonderful photos and memories that I can’t even begin to imagine. At least, I really hope that is to be the case for everyone attending, and sure – there is a part of me that wishes she could be there to join in the fun. I just can’t help but think that for me personally, it’s become a lot less about the band, and a lot more about missing the people I’ve met along the way. I don’t know if that’s necessarily a unique point of view or not, but it’s the one with which I’m struggling most today.

-R