As I try to make my way

Mothers Day is sort of a bizarre holiday for me.  I’ve almost learned to have zero expectations going in, other than knowing something crazy is bound to happen.  “Crazy” runs being 2000 miles away from home, newly pregnant and spending my last Mothers Day kidless; to spending the day in a hospital ICU, taking turns going in and sitting with my dad while also having my youngest – who was just about a week old – meet my mom for the very first time. My way of showing my mom that there was plenty left to live for, and that although there was very little we could do for my dad, she was still my mom and a grandma. It was a horrible way to spend Mothers Day, yet in hindsight I think it was just the way it needed to work out.

This year, my weekend started off careening toward certain disaster – at the very last minute on Saturday I had to bow out of a visit to my inlaws because my oldest got sick. As mom…my job doesn’t exactly “end”, and since it was not my mom who was being visited, I was elected “parental unit in charge”, which meant staying home.  It was a quiet Saturday afternoon here, which meant plenty of time for my least favorite activity – cleaning the house.  I was convinced that this was yet another Mothers Day not to be celebrated, but endured.  However, a new day sometimes brightens things, and yesterday I was taken to brunch and given lovely cards. Then we went to the Huntington Library for a family outing. I’ve never been to the Huntington Library in San Marino, California – and aside from two short years living outside of Chicago, I’ve lived in Southern California my entire life, and I’d grown up about 15 miles east of  San Marino – so I was pleased to finally get there. Of course, an added plus in going there was that I was able to see some of the areas that the band filmed Ordinary World.  I am not really sure if I caught any of the places they filmed on my camera, but I did recognize a few areas. It’s a beautiful place, and as long as you go on a day where it’s not 100 degrees outside (it hit 101 yesterday while we were there) – you should take the time to walk all over the grounds.

As wonderful as yesterday was, I woke up this morning knowing that today would mark an anniversary that I wish I didn’t need to acknowledge – or at least one that I would like to forget for a change. Five years ago today my father passed. Maybe I’m expecting far too much – but I keep waiting for the year where I simply forget. I get so busy that I don’t remember the anniversary until maybe a day or two later. Maybe I won’t even think to blog about it (this is indeed self-serving therapy for me and for that I apologize and ask your patience), and maybe I’ll think of memories with my dad as just that – warm memories, instead of still thinking of it all as a tragic loss. Naturally, it is really only on this day of each year where I stop and consider the song Ordinary World – which is ironic  considering where I was yesterday. I don’t know that my family has actually found it yet.  Ordinary seems to be something we left back in 2008. I know we’re supposed to find the new normal. I’m just not quite sure what that really means. We all seem to move on and function well, but then there are these moments where everything comes flooding back, and my mom, my sister and I think about everything we’ve lost…days like today I suppose. Normal? Maybe. Tiresome? Yes, probably even more so to people around us. My mom has a new man in her life now, and he’s a great person. My youngest considers him her grandpa in every since of the word (he and my mom are not married and I don’t expect that will ever be the case), and I love him too. He’s not my dad, but he doesn’t try to BE my dad. I have great respect for him, and he is a welcome addition to our family. I just try to make him feel welcome and loved because without him, I know my family would have fallen apart at the seams. My mom needed him, and I will be forever grateful that he somehow arrived at just the right moment for her.

I can’t help but remember that this year in June, my mom and dad would have been married 50 years, and we should be celebrating that instead of the five year anniversary of his death.  It’s a very bitter pill, but one my family was not given a choice in swallowing.  Sometimes being the ones left behind is not very easy.

-R

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By Daily Duranie

Once upon a time, there were two Duran Duran fans. One named Amanda, the other named Rhonda. Over many vodka tonics, they would laugh about the idea of one day writing a book about their fan experiences. While that manuscript is still being composed...Rhonda thought they should write a blog. (What was she THINKING?!) Lo and behold: The Daily Duranie was born.

10 comments

  1. My dad passed away on the 31st May. …
    I try to stay positive, if and when possible, during my tragedies…
    Ordinary World is one of those tracks most of fans are sick to hear on the stage, but whenever they feel down for whatever reason.. ta-dah … Ordinary World is the 1st song they think of! Funny!
    All support Rhonda!!

  4. ugh. I'm so sorry for such a rough day. I hope that some day it will get 'easier' for you. On the upside, I've been to Huntington Library, and it IS so beautiful(despite the heat:). I'm glad you got to check it out….

  5. Please don't apologize for remembering your dad on the anniversary of his death. The feelings you are describing are normal. My mom has been gone 15 years and I still remember her on her anniversary. What I can say from personal experience is that you never really forget, the loss doesn't lessen, but as time goes on, you somehow do learn to deal with it better/more constructively. Hope that kind of makes sense. Thinking of you and hoping this day is gentle on you.

    -Susan-

  6. Well Susan, I just read the entire People Magazine tribute to 25 seasons of The Bachelor all in a single sitting…which means I've gone completely off the rails I guess. 😉 (It's a guilty pleasure, and that was my attempt to “deal” with the day, so to speak.) I'm really OK, but yes, I wish I could just pass the day with a momentary glance maybe as opposed to knowing I need to clear the calendar for the day. My dad would not be pleased with me – he told me just weeks before he died that I needed to remember that it's about the living, not the dying. I get the point but the lesson is pretty tough sometimes. Thank you. -R

  7. I loved the library and am only sorry we had to head inside before I was completely finished seeing the entire grounds – but we had our youngest with us, and she was SO red in the cheeks we knew that we had to get her inside. Can't believe it's this hot so early in the season – I'll take a California winter over this nonsense any day! 😀 I'm going to make plans to go back though. AFTER summer. 😉 -R

  9. Rhonda,I am sorry you live that kind of sadness. I can understand it very much. My mother passed away on december 24th… Hard to forget that kind of date. Hard to be like everyone else, a happy guy on Cristmas. And yet it was so long ago, 17 years. But you know what, I think it's good to be sad and to have memories. It tell that we loved that person and that he or she was extremely important to us. So we have been blessed to have them in our lives. I too, listen to Ordinary World when I am sad, very often indeed for many reasons. The words, the music, the guitar almost crying at the end (the original version) the guys left us a huge gift doing that very particular song. I wish you the best Rhonda, don't try to forget, just appreciate all the good you had back then and that you have now. Life is incredibly good, but fragile.

    Pat xxx

  10. Wow – on Christmas Eve? That is really hard, Patrick. You are right – I do try to remember the good things, and there were plenty. My dad was a wonderful father and truly my Superman in every way. 🙂 -R

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