‘Cuz you give me just enough

I never know what is going to get responses here. Never. Yesterday, I wrote about a personal struggle that I’m having with my own fandom, figuring that surely someone out there would relate or at least want to argue with me about how I’m feeling or my perceptions. I did have a friend comment – someone who knows of my struggle – and I did actually have one person point out to me that although I commented that I didn’t really know if the band really wanted to create friendships with fans, that a Mr. Nick Rhodes has been dating a Duranie for two years now. However, no one chimed in with their own tales of struggle, or at least – no one dared admit the problem, and that’s fine. I’m outspoken in my writing, I admit.

In thinking about Nick’s current girlfriend – I must say that I’ve heard various stories, the story about her being a fan being among them. However, I don’t know Nefer, and I really do not know Nick. I don’t know the circumstances around their meeting, and to be fair to the both of them – it’s not my business. This is where that boundary comes in. Sure, I’ve been a fan for over thirty years, but I am not a friend of the band. I’m a fan. I only know what I’ve either witnessed or what I’ve read or heard the band say in interviews. That doesn’t make me a friend or even a potential friend, no matter how long I say I’ve been around. In my response yesterday though, I did say that those circumstances are rare. She is one among millions of fans over the years. Millions. The same can be said for the few amongst us who are friends with the band. Those are exceptions, and in many cases – they are exceptional people as well. What I noted though, was the tinge of “How dare you say we can’t be their friends – here’s an example that proves you wrong.” that I read in the comment.  Granted, I don’t know that it was meant that way, but I definitely read that tinge.

Is it just me? This is a topic I’ve talked about on the blog before, and I’m always astounded by the responses I receive – there is a fury that rests just below the surface of many a Duran fan. They want that fairy tale of the possibility of the band (or a member) seeing them in the crowd and deciding that they need to meet this person kept intact. It is not taken kindly when some upstart like me decides to break the bad news to people that the dream they’ve had since they were a youngster is just that – a dream. There’s always someone ready and willing to point out to me that it happened for Patty Palazzo. Fair enough, although again – I don’t claim to know that story. I realize there are exceptions. What I don’t understand is why Duran fans aren’t able to accept that it’s not the rule. It just isn’t. It simply cannot be. There are thousands if not millions of us. There are 4 current members of the band. Do the math. It’s impossible. So is it just a matter of not wanting that dream to die because it’s part of the whole “escapism” that coincides with fandom…or is it really that we all believe somewhere not far under the surface that we’re really that much different, that we are so incredibly unique from everyone else that the band secretly needs to meet and befriend us? What is it?! Maybe what I should have said yesterday was that it’s just me. I know that *I* am nowhere near exceptional enough to be noticed in a crowd, or to be a friend of a band member or so. Yes, that’s it!

I know I’m pretty self-depricating in my humor here, but it’s true. I’m no fashion diva. I’m not especially talented in any sort of unique way. I’m just a woman from California who decided to start writing a blog, and in the opinions of many – I don’t even write all that well (True. I never said I was actually good at writing. I just write for the fun of it!). That’s not uniqueness, people – that’s an attempt on my part to find a sense of purpose beyond my children, I suppose. Sometimes it’s nice to know that I can do other things besides cooking and cleaning. My point is that maybe I’m just a realist, and that pisses people off. I just don’t see why someone who has been around the world more times than I can count, who has played on stage to millions of people, who could probably buy and sell my home and life all day long, would want anything to do with me as a real person. Yet I’m oddly fascinated by those who hold onto the “I want to be a friend of the band” fantasy with a death grip. Is it really such a big deal to recognize that you’re probably never going to get past those stolen moments where you ask for a photo or an autograph and they agree?  I guess I’m at that point where the answer is no, it’s really not that big of deal to me. I love the music most of all, and that’s where the importance lies for me now. The fantasy part of the romance is lost, and I was mostly fine with that, even though I’m still trying to figure it all out in my head. Then I went on to Twitter yesterday after I published the blog.

I went onto Twitter because we promote the blog there, and lo and behold, there sat a tweet from John Taylor. At first I ignored it because I wrongfully assumed that it was an old tweet that had recirculated, but after I posted my own tweet, I took note that it had only been sent moments before. It was a simple tweet saying that he supposed he was back on Twitter.  Naturally he had all sorts of replies, and I found myself clicking open a reply window myself, fingers at the ready, until I realized what I was doing. Hadn’t I just freaking finished saying that I felt bizarre tweeting to basically no one? Hadn’t I said that I was moving past the fantasy of hoping that yes, THIS TIME…I’d get a response and that I’d be remembered and on-and-on-and-on the fantasy goes? I did. So I did the one thing that I knew I had to do.  I shut Twitter.

I’ll bet you thought I would say I tweeted. I would have thought I’d do it as well, to be honest…and maybe at some point I will tweet again. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I think I surprised myself when I got up and walked away yesterday though. Old habits die hard and all. The thing is, I do still love the band. I still love John Taylor for that matter, and I wouldn’t turn down a chance to have coffee or chat with him – I mean, of course not – but I also know that’s not reality. It’s just some stupid thing we say…or I say for that matter. Yesterday one of my friends characterized this whole thing as a very complicated relationship. She is right. It really is, and what I think I’m struggling with right now is the fact that it really IS one-sided.  When the band talks about fans – it’s as a collective group. So it’s all of us in this together on one side, and the band on the other, but they know none (OK, very few) of us as real people. Maybe it is just me, but I struggle with that concept behind this “relationship”, and I’m not afraid to say so here.

-R