I apologize that this blog post is so late. It was not my intention but I have to admit that I’m struggling. In fact, I might go so far to say that this is the most I have ever struggled, emotionally. I’m trying really hard to be “okay,” to keep it together, to keep moving forward. A lot of my energy is spent trying to stop myself from feeling hopeless and helpless. That last word is key. I don’t do well with helpless. Some might say that this is part of my control freak nature, which is fair. I like to control as much as I can and even when I cannot control everything, I still take action, to try to make a difference. It is how I feel better. It is how I get through tough times. Now, though, I feel like I have exhausted all attempts to make things better or tolerable, which is a horrible feeling. What has caused this? I don’t want to go into details. I’m tired of talking about it, thinking about it. I also don’t need to hear that it won’t be so bad or that I’m exaggerating or making a mountain out of a molehill. I’ll say this. Over the years, I have felt more and more frustrated and beaten down by work, by a career that leaves me devalued and demoralized. Now, it is all of that times ten with an incredible feeling of being trapped and scared. I’m at a loss and just trying to hold on, hoping that something, anything helps. So, writing this blog post was not on the top of my list of things to do but here we are. Maybe it will help.
As I started to think about what the heck I could write about, I started to look through my phone and tweets that I had bookmarked for whatever reason. I ran across this one:
It was the reminder that I did have one thing up my sleeve to make myself feel better, feel joy, even temporarily. I had music. Throughout my life, I have sought out music when struggling through tough feelings. Looking back, I can think of times when I was so angry and needed songs that expressed my feelings of rage, which made me feel better, less mad at the world. At other times, music has expressed deep, deep sadness. Yet, there are times that music has reminded of exactly what this tweet says. It has prompted me about times joy and ones that were so good, so special, so amazing that I wanted to crawl itself them and live there forever. As I write that, I immediately think of moments at Duran shows when I have had this thought, “There is literally nothing better than this. I’m the happiest right here. This is nothing but pure, perfect joy.” I’m desperate for that feeling, that reminder that life can be wonderful and will be again.
So tonight, I will think about the songs, the moments that have made me smile so hard that my face aches. Obviously, many of those have revolved around Duran Duran. Yes, the concerts and tours have brought me more fun than should be legal, but so many, many of their songs just feel light and carefree. I need those right now, to lighten my mood but also to boost my spirit so that I can keep going to fight another day, another way that I have not even thought of yet. I have some songs that have popped in my head like Sunrise, Rio, Planet Roaring and more. What songs do you recommend for me, Duran or otherwise? What songs help you feel that joy that Wilson Cruz mentioned in his tweet? What gets you through the darkness and the fear?