It Means So Much to Me

When we started this blog, I didn’t really know what would happen or how it would fit into my life.  I guess I figured that it would be a tiny piece of my life for a little while and then it would be done.  Well, obviously, that isn’t true.  Yet, beyond that, there have been other unforeseen consequences to blogging.  One of those things is how often I have found writing necessary to deal with the good, the bad and the ugly of my life.  Writing has become a big piece to my processing. In many cases, I publish these thoughts here on the blog but there are other times that I don’t.

So, what has been on my mind?  My mother has been, actually.  I know what a lot of you are thinking.  Mother’s Day isn’t for another week in the U.S.  That’s true.  Yet, I want to take the time to celebrate her now.  Here’s the deal.  I haven’t been lucky in the financial department.  I certainly haven’t always been lucky in the social or romantic part of life but I was EXTREMELY lucky when it came to mothers.  Truly, I don’t even know where to start when it comes to my mother.  First, she has always been there for everyone she knows and cares about.  This past week, Rhonda wrote about a blog for my birthday (which meant the world to me!) in which she mentioned how I sacrifice myself to help others.  I learned this from my mother.  She would do anything for me, my siblings or my dad.  She would even do anything for the people I care about.  If Rhonda needed someone, for example, my mom would be there, without question and without any hesitation.  What does this look like?  It means hours on the phone, if that is what I needed.  It means trying to help me with any problem I might have from big ones involving my job to helping me pick out an outfit for a particular function.  When I jumped into political campaigns, she jumped with me, asking how she could help.  Her help was never-ending and definitely worked to help make ME look good.  I felt very lucky when I could take her to the White House Holiday Party in December of 2011.  It was the least I could do.  No, my mom has always been super supportive of me, all that I do and all that I am into.

Rhonda and I have often talked about the stigma surrounding fandom, about how others who aren’t fans judge and criticize fans’ interests and activities.  We have talked about how many people experience this negativity within their own families and with people closest to them.  Again, I lucked out.  My mom has always been supportive of my fandom.  Always.  I remember once when I was really sick with some stomach virus as a kid watching MTV for hours in the middle of the night.  Did my mom complain?  Nope.  She enjoyed the 3 am airing of Save a Prayer as much as I did.  When I started putting up posters on my bedroom walls, she didn’t tell me to take them down.  She gave me pointers on how to put them up to make them look the best they could.  This is probably why she has been known to sing along to Notorious or Hungry Like the Wolf when those songs play in my car.  It is also probably why when my dad asks who my favorite is again for the literally the 25,000th time, my mom points out John Taylor.  When I declare that I’m going on tour to the southeast or to the UK, my mom just asks when I need to be driven and picked up at the airport and when I will be bringing my cat over for them to cat-sit.  I was encouraged to start our manuscript on the nature of fandom for her and was helped with some of the little details of Durandemonium, the convention we planned in 2013.  She was with me every step of the way.

I want her to be with me every step of the way for the rest of 2015 and the rest of the decade and a few decades after that.  She means the absolute world to me, which is why hearing last week that she has breast cancer has been like someone reached into my heart and began to shred it slowly and painfully.  I literally ache with worry and I have cried more in the last week than I have in the last 10 years.  Right now, thankfully, the prognosis is good with surgery and treatment.  I’m holding on to that, for dear life.  It is what is keeping me sane, what is keeping me together.  I am trying to do everything that people say to do in this situation.  I’m trying to take it one day at a time.  I’m trying to be positive and take care of myself so that I can better be there for her.  Some days and some times, I am more successful in that than others.

Interestingly enough, I have already found myself changing in terms of what I’m focusing on and what my priorities are.   My job is such that I could literally spend 12-14 hours a day doing work and still not get it all done.  I’m done with being stressed about getting my work done.  I’ll get things done when they get done but the work isn’t my focus.  It isn’t what is most important to me.  Thus, if I want to spend time with my parents or with other loved one, I’m going to do that and not feel guilty that I am not getting grading done.  Do I feel the same way about this blog or working on the book?  Interestingly enough, no.  I don’t.  I’m MORE determined than ever to get that book of ours done and out for the public to read.  I am looking forward to seeing my mom not only read the dedication I will include to her but the book itself.  I know that she wants me to get this done for me, for Rhonda.  It means something to me, which means that it means something to her.  What about touring?  Obviously, if she needs me to be here for her, I’ll be here.  (Note:  My mother would totally push me to go.  While she sacrifices so much for me, she never wants me to sacrifice for her.  Of course, it really wouldn’t be a sacrifice to me.)  That said, I know now that life really is precious and really is short.  What does this mean?  It means that if I want to try to get back to the UK to tour, I will do what I can to do that.  I can’t wait for tomorrow or the next tour.  I really have to embrace the “All You Need Is Now” philosophy.  Will my participation with the blog change?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Just know that if I’m not doing the birthday messages, the daily poll or very many posts, it isn’t because I don’t want to.  I am just needed somewhere else.

The next few months won’t be the easiest of my life but I know that supporting my mom and the rest of the family will be worth it.  After all, she deserve all of that and more from me since she has given so much to so many.

-A