Tag Archives: personal stories

REPOST: Lost Souls Diamonds and Gold

I admit it. This is the busiest, most stressed I have ever been in my entire life. Part of me loves the heck out of campaigning and part of me really longs to sleep, eat like a normal person and not be gone for 14-15 hours a day. While I love my campaign team to pieces, I also miss those times when I can just focus on fandom, Duran Duran, and fun. Interestingly enough, I had a conversation this evening with my intern about being yourself. (Yes, I have an intern. No, I cannot pay her. Yes, she is a former student. No, I’m not sure what that says about me.) She vented to me about not knowing exactly what she wants to do with her life and how she feels like she has to choose between various things she loves. The assumption is that she has to choose one to focus on. The reality is, I told her, that she can love more than one thing at a time and the goal should not be to choose just one thing but to have all things she loves be a part of her life. That said, it doesn’t mean that you can love all equally, all the time. One thing might be more important for awhile before something else takes center stage. At least, this is how I live my life. So, yes, right now, this campaign is sucking up 90% of my attention and love. That doesn’t matter that I don’t love fandom. I really, really do.

To that end, I thought reposting a blog might be good. I thought I could find one that seemed important or meaningful or fun. I ended up finding one I wrote after a mini-tour in 2017 and how after the tour, I felt like everything was back on track, in terms of my fandom. I have no doubt that I will write something similar in the weeks to come. For now, here’s the blog from two years ago.

LOST SOULS DIAMONDS AND GOLD

MARCH 24, 2017

One of my favorite scenes in Duran’s Sing Blue Silver documentary is when John Taylor is woken up to do an interview.  During that interview, he comments about how the tour (he is referring to the 1984 one) was “never an assured tour”.  I always took this to mean that the band didn’t really know how the tour was going to go.  Would the fans show up?  How would they react?  No matter how many times I see that scene, I find myself shaking my head.  How could they not know?  Of course, the fans would show up and love it!  Duh!

Yet, this past weekend, that quote floated through my brain quite often.  After all, I, too, felt that way before this past little mini-tour of ours at Agua Caliente.  I didn’t know how it was going to go, which was weird and felt very odd.  In the days leading up to going, I found myself struggling to get excited in the same way that I normally do.  Yes, I looked forward to it but it wasn’t the usual jumping out of my skin in excitement.  Was I losing my Duranie touch?  Looking back, I think it had more to do with me.

Life hasn’t felt very friendly lately.  I lost a lot of motivation for many things and to be honest, my friendship with Rhonda felt strained.  I couldn’t pinpoint anything specific but we were distant from each other due to lack of time, lack of effort, and lack of understanding.  I knew this going into the tour.  In fact, I told some people that I fully expected this to be my last one  This wouldn’t be because I wouldn’t have fun or because my love for Duran would end.  I just thought that maybe it had run its course or it would seem like too much effort.

As the weekend began, I told myself to have no expectations other than having fun.  The weekend didn’t have to be perfect (whatever that even means) to be great, I figured.  If you read or watched our blogs last weekend and beyond, you are well aware that the weekend definitely exceeded my expectations.  The shows were so much fun.  While, yes, I grumbled and complained about the lack of Planet Earth, I didn’t let that tick me off (too much).  I figured that it gave me permission to give them a hard time back, right???  I sang.  I danced.  I screamed.  It was glorious.  Yes, I wished that we had at least 18 songs and, yes, I wish that Sunrise or Careless Memories or Planet Earth was on the setlist.  Instead of complaining or wishing for something else, I appreciated the heck out of Only in Dreams and Is There Something I Should Know?.

Then, there was everything surrounding the shows.  I loved having drinks with friends, seeing people I only see at Duran functions and being reminded that everyone connected to Duran makes a community, a family of sorts.  I got to know people better and I got to meet people for the first time.  And, yes, I was reminded of why Rhonda and I tour so well together as we were the last ones standing on both nights.  Perhaps, there is also a lot less vodka in the resort after we had been there (along with our fellow vodka drinking friends!).

Of course, Rhonda and I had a chance to talk as well, which was much appreciated and needed.  I feel confident that the conversation reminded us both to be supportive of each other even if we don’t always understand the other’s choices.  Since then, things have felt very normal, which is so nice.  So much has not felt normal for me for a long time.  I have been focusing on fighting to keep the normal as I feared that many changes, significant and negative ones, would be coming down the pike.  While I don’t regret that and embrace that part of myself that must fight back, I must also remember what is part of my normal, what I am working to keep.  My normal means that Duran Duran and fandom plays a significant part.  It includes touring when and where I can.  Having fun is necessary to keep going during the less than fun times.

The weekend, the mini-tour, reminded me that I can wear more than one hat at a time.  In fact, it is required.  I remembered how much fun touring is and why my friendship with Rhonda matters as much as it does.  It gave me motivation to keep working on a dream, in one way, shape or form.  I don’t know that I can say that the weekend was perfect or the best tour, but it really was damn good.  Even better, it didn’t even end before I started to plan for the next one.  That is the ideal way to be, isn’t it?  Lost souls diamonds and gold, indeed.

-A

My Heart It Screams

I flew home a week ago from Las Vegas to Chicago. On the flight and the bus ride home, I had some time to think. I put Duran Duran on shuffle and just let my mind wander. As I listened and thought, I found myself writing down some ideas.

The Music’s Between Us

I must have listened to Duran Duran for about 30 minutes when I made a realization. I put ON Duran Duran’s music. Now, I know that sounds dumb. Of course, I would listen to Duran, right? And I do and have been but it has been a really long time since I just spent time listening to Duran Duran. Really listening. Over the course of the past year, I haven’t been listening to Duran much. At times, I would play a song or two when they would come up on shuffle, but I rarely sought out a particular song or album. I don’t know that I can adequately explain why this is but if I had to make a best guess, I did it to avoid feeling sad. I missed them. I missed the fandom. I missed Rhonda. After the Paper Gods Tour ended, I knew that it would be a long time until they came back. I promised myself that I would be patient (unlike how I was after All You Need Is Now). Then, life happened to get in the way of my usual fandom. This pushed me to separate myself even more from fandom. Now, though, I found myself seeking out Duran. Is this a sign that I’m through that time period that feels like a black hole. I hope so.

What led to this change? Every time I see the band live my love for them and the music is renewed. Those shows in Vegas went by so quickly. I found myself desperately wanting to bottle up the feelings I had so that I could open it later when I needed it between these shows and the next ones. Interestingly enough, as my plane began our descent into Chicago, into a high wind warning of 50-60 mph gusts, I found myself really thinking about my life. This turned a little…uh…morbid as the plane really struggled and I began to think this might be my last, I honestly thought myself, “Well, if this is it, at least I will go down listening to Duran,” which actually gave me some comfort.

We Are Forever

You know what else I loved outside of the shows themselves? I loved seeing people I haven’t seen since the last show in whatever city as we would greet each other with hugs and genuine smiles. I remember walking quickly into the venue on the first night so late after spending time with a fabulous group of people, thinking to myself that this really is like a family reunion as we come from all over to be together and to celebrate. Then, before Rhonda and I could get to our seats, we must have been stopped like every other few feet to either greet more old friends or to meet new people, new friends. That kind of joy wrapped me in a warmth that I didn’t realize how much I missed it until it came back. Then, after the show and hanging out, we returned to our room only to find confetti all over our bathroom floor. Clearly, we were all bringing a bit of the show with us. What did we do? We did what we always have done. We laughed until we couldn’t laugh anymore. I had missed moments like that and hope to have more of them in future.

The past couple of years have been tough. I have worked myself pretty hard, doing what I believe is best for a number of reasons. I have always hoped and still hope that the future, though, contains more of the best moments of last weekend. I don’t think they came as easily as they have in the past, but I’m hopeful that we can get back to that. Heck, I would love to see the emotional challenges of the past couple of years bring something even better. I can envision it. Maybe it will be a UK Trip in 2020. Perhaps, it will be some time, energy and focus on finishing a book project. If we are really lucky, it could be both.

As I look back to last weekend, I’m struck by how much emotional growth can and does happen while on tour, drinking vodka tonics and making fun of Simon like when John needed to bring him a setlist on Friday night’s show. I, for one, feel lucky to have had the moments I had here and look forward to the next time.

-A

You’ve Got That Thing Which Makes Them Smile

To say that I have not yet recovered from my trip to Vegas would be an understatement. I feel like I haven’t slept in a decade and I’m struggling to get going. My to do list is long and I am cannot get motivated no matter what I do. I’m crossing my fingers, hoping that I bounce back super soon as time is of the essence. Is this because part of me is still on tour? Still in Vegas? I’m sure. I also think that I want time to process last weekend and have had minimum time to do that. Despite that, I did realize something while I was in Vegas.

Could you describe yourself in one word? The other day Rhonda blogged about how she did not want to be defined solely by the term fan among others. It feels to her that being known for just one thing limits her and I totally appreciate that. After all, I don’t want to be known just as a “teacher” or “fan.” I am more than that. Yet, I do think that I could give one word to describe myself. That word is organizer. I certainly feel that in the classroom as I have to organize lessons and curriculum while organizing groups of children. Beyond that, that word fits when I think about my role as a campaign manager. I have to organize materials as well as events and volunteers to implement a plan. With both of my official jobs, I like the challenge of trying to figure out a game plan and how best to implement it. Not only do I like it, but I think I’m pretty decent at it, too.

Last weekend, in Vegas, we opted not to organize a big thing (ha!) or plan a real formal gathering. Instead, we went with the flow and had more unofficial meet-ups. While I enjoyed all of these gatherings, there was a part of me that felt removed, away from the action. Over the course of the last year or so, I have pulled back from the Duran community. There are a few reasons for this. Some of the reasons I have written about previously, including my incredibly busy life. Part of it, though, I realized, is that I don’t feel my participation adds much. I’m not terribly clever online and I don’t have any real insight into the inner workings of the band. I could talk about campaigning for hours. I could talk about fandom for hours but neither of those is what people look for in members of a fan community. People don’t share juicy gossip with me and even if they did, I don’t share what people share with me. I am pretty private so a lot of people don’t gravitate to me. On top of that, I don’t think a lot of people can relate to my life.

I hope this does not sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself because this is not what this post is about. I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure myself out and develop self-awareness. I know who I am and am okay with myself. Likewise, I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to get, to understand fandom and fan communities. Here is what I have realized by all this. I like organizing events for the fan community. Does it make it easier for me to socialize and people with me? I’m sure but it also feels right. It is something I like and am good at. It gives people a way to get past my private exterior and gives me a way to open myself up in ways I cannot get otherwise. I won’t ever be that bubbly personality that everyone wants to know. I certainly won’t ever be that person with a connection to the band or to insider or even interesting info. What I can be, what I am, though, is an organizer.

It was right for us not to organize anything big this past weekend but I missed it and hope that when more shows come our way that we can go back to doing something.

-A

Winter Is Marching On…

I have had about 5 different ideas about what to blog about today.  A couple of those ideas are good ones that I might address this weekend or next, but I couldn’t approach those today.  They are too much, too serious.  Another idea focused on how crappy January has been and how I’m so glad that January is finally coming to an end but no one wants to hear me complain.  Thus, I had to come up with a completely different idea.  I realized one big thing tonight after finding out that my dental “insurance” sucks beyond belief, which is that I could go on and on and complain, fret about my lack of future touring money or I could fight.  Now, I can’t fight my bills (at least not directly) but I can and should fight other aspects of my life.  In order to do that, I need some motivation, some inspiration.  Then, it dawned on me.  Music can do that.  It can provide some motivation and some inspiration.  Maybe, others also need some feisty Duran in their lives on this final day of January.  Therefore, I decided to pick out some great Duran clips to watch to do just that–to get us to fight, to get us motivated, to get us feeling feisty.  Here are the clips that I came up with:

Wild Boys seemed fitting.  While I love the way they have been doing this song, this intro is still dang cool.

What else says feisty to me?  How about when Duran discusses the world?  I like how they do it.  A couple of good examples.

Too Much Information

Finest Hour.  I definitely understand the feeling of taking back and fighting for what I believe.  I’m right there, right now.

What about how they deal with the less-than-fun aspects to their careers?  Here is Notorious and their response to their critics in the  media (at least that is what I have always heard that  this song was about).

So, fellow Duranies, what am I forgetting?  What songs should I have included?  Any interviews that you want to post that fits the bill?  I know that I still need more to keep my new focus going.

-A