I have had a great time. No matter how long I’ve been writing Daily Duranie, and no matter how long I keep going, I will always be truly grateful for the blog, the people I’ve met, and just how much fun I’ve had along the way.
This past weekend, I spent some time really thinking about everything I’ve had the opportunity to experience since that very first blog post back in 2010, and really, even before that as I started going to gigs and making my way into the fan community as early as 2001. I can truly say I’ve done so much more than I ever would have thought possible when I was ten. I know so many more people, and yeah, there are moments when I feel like I even know the band or, even nuttier – they recognize me. It is a crazy thought, yet, sometimes, it sure seems like maybe they do.
There are so many of you who really *can* say you know the band. I’ve met you, I’ve wondered what it was like to be you, and sure, there were times when I thought that maybe, just maybe…I could work hard to make my life more like yours. Perhaps I really could be a writer, or maybe break into a new career path so that way, I could meet some of my idols and work in the music industry. Dreams are free, right?
The truth is, I’m a mom. I work very hard here at home, but I am a mom. That was what I was put here on this planet to do. I’ve fought it for years, believing that there had to be more out there for me. I really hate the drudgery that goes along with being a stay-at-home mom, although I love being a parent without any question whatsoever. I didn’t realize though that I signed up for 24/7 laundry duty, or being a maid, or even the cook. It all sort of evolved that way. Each time I thought I was ready to enter the working world, something else came up, insisting I re-evaluate my life. I fought it the entire way, and one of the ways I fought it was by creating this blog and site. I wanted to feel important and to be known for being something else besides a mom. This site gave me that opportunity, and if I’m honest – I was able to pretend, for a long time, that I had a real purpose besides being the maid, chauffeur, cook and caregiver. Had I not, I don’t know what might have happened. I needed this site so much more than anyone reading it needed me, or my words.
Quite a bit has happened this year, and I don’t mean just for Duran Duran. I’ve taken on a new job, there’s always health stuff going on these days (gotta love turning 50, am I right?), there are still kids to chauffeur (two down, one to go!), a cider business to grow, and I am about to move my mom back to California. She no longer drives, so I will need to be her driver. That is a big commitment, and I’ve honestly fought it for a while because as much as I love my mom, I still have my own family to manage, but it is time. She needs me, and I need to move her nearby so that I can help her.
I guess the best way to characterize this is that I’m not sure if I still need this site. In many ways, it feels like a ball and chain I’m dragging behind me. There is a lot I need to do on any given day, and yet in the back of my mind I’m always thinking about how I should spend time I don’t have, working on Daily Duranie. So many books I wish I could keep trying to get published, conventions to plan…the website needs managed, I really need to change out the homepage, for example. I don’t have time right now for any of it. I put all of that aside and yet I know in my heart I really won’t revisit any of it. At one point, this site was high priority and I loved it. Now, I am trying to decide how I feel. Is it time to stop and perhaps pass the baton? For me, it might be.
This is why I am taking time off from writing beginning ASAP. The month of December is crazy for me and the family in any given year anyway. I’ve had to take that time off before, and this year is apparently no different. In January, I will reassess where I’m at, how I feel, and go from there.
The important things for everyone to know is that this has nothing to do with Duran Duran. I love the band. I have had far more fun than anyone deserves as a direct result of this band. Even if I were to decide to stop writing, I will always be a Duran Duran fan, and I will continue to go to concerts and listen to their music – and I would miss being so active in the community. It is a lot for me to think about.
I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season.
Reading your post today hit me really hard… and not in a negative way but more into a “I totally understand you”. This year for me it has been the biggest roller coaster of my life as far as mental health and emotions. Things that were so important for me are no longer important and I am trying to reason with myself and make that change also. It might have to do also that I turned 50 and things are different now but the only thing that I can tell you (because I did it) is do whatever you feel you should do for YOU and nobody else. You are the only person that can make things happen for you as nobody else in this world can. They might try to help you but it will never be the same as YOUR OWN DECISION. Whatever you decide, you should feel happy with it, no matter what !